Dreams

Today I woke up remembering a very powerful dream. In it I had what I had been desiring for quite some time now but I don’t know if I was happy. I assume I was because what greater happiness could there be then to have what one desires? It still bothers me that I don’t know how I felt in the dream. Dreams are after all just momentary glances into the psyhe, I tell myself. One intense moment of overwhelming joy could just s easily be overshadowed by a gloom unlike any imaginable. I wanted to run hastily toward the moment I had fashioned from bits and pieces of reality, desire and imagination. As I sit thinking out loud about my dream, I realize that I don’t know if that future actually made me happy. As it is said, better the devil I know.

It’s sad to not believe in dreams. I don’t know when I became so cynical. Hopefully, there’ll be a day when I learn to accept my dreams again.

Dance

Tonight, I lived freely. It was a magical night. I went salsa dancing. I lost myself in the music. Most importantly it was a reminder that the new memories can be painted on an old canvas.

New Season

And suddenly, the green appeared. It was as if the dead, decaying leaves were covering the ground to nurture growth beneath and one warm, a gust blew these leaves away to reveal the new life beneath them. I tell myself every spring/summer that next year I had better be observant enough to see the change but I miss it every year. One day shades of brown and gray covered the Earth and the next day it was green. Flowers erupted from unseen buds and spread their colors and scent around. As I walk these days, I see beauty scattered about. From the window next to my desk, I can see my parking lot. Dozens of birds–sparrows, pigeons, crows, cardinals–appear each day. Sometimes, I am graced by the presence of rarer birds with white down feathers gray-brown wings with a hint of blue at the tips. Each one speaks his own language and feeds its own appetite. They bask joyfully in the summer sun perhaps aware that these days will not last. Who knows where they will be in winter or next summer. It is truly about living in the moment for these creatures–a concept I am becoming more in tune with these days. It’s almost un-human to live exclusively in the present but I am learning. It is wonderful, blissful even, to live in the present and not worry about tomorrow or obsess over the past. But something tells me this is a temporary job. Change is coming. But I plan on enjoying every today until the change arrives.

Silence

Returning to an empty house each night is one of the hardest things with which I can try to get acquainted. It would seem that the biggest problem would be silence but in fact that is not the case. The ears become more tuned to the multitudes of sounds that you would otherwise dismiss as silence. When the buzzing and humming of various machines stop, the neighbor’s PBS show appears. And when all other external sounds are “gone,” sounds emanate from the inside. They ask age-old questions. In times of abundance, my mind devices answers that I would be able to orate with confidence but when the time comes I cannot say a word. The poetic responses are revealed as sophist’s tools. I can try to lie to anyone in this world, if I absolutely must, but I cannot lie to myself. 

It isn’t silence that I fear; I fear my questioning mind and my lack of answers. Actually, I would love some silence from time to time.

I want to live

Everything begins with a wish. Some wishes are silent and unsaid. Today I am wishing to live once more. I don’t want to die. No, I do not have some life threatening illness; but there are many types of death. Some people die even before their body stops breathing and heart stops beating. 

Arundhati Roy wrote, “the only dream worth having … is that you will live while you are alive and die only when you are dead.”  To be honest, I didn’t understand the true meaning of the statement or it’s gravity.  But today it makes so much more sense.  Today I understand the meaning of dying while still being alive. It can be argued otherwise, but I will claim that I breath, that my heart beats, and that blood courses through my arteries and veins.  But inside I feel completely dead. I feel as if every part of me that once made me who I was has now vanished. I want it all back. It belongs to me…all of it. I had gotten that with God’s grace. I lost it somehow but I now I want it back. I hope it is not too late.

Asha

I am have a firm belief that everything happens for a reason–for a good reason. In retrospect, I have been able to see the wisdom in many of life’s cruelties. But my life right now is making me question it all. I believe that I have a medical condition that is making me completely unlike myself. Better yet, I am beginning to question my beliefs one by one. It’s as if I am destroying all the foundations of my existence one by one. Despite it all, I wish that everything will get better and some day in the future I will be able to see why all of this happened to me. Please God let me get there.